SCOTTISH JOKES
Windows 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Scottish version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Scotland. If you have one of the Scottish editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scottish edition may be recognised by the opening screen. It reads: WINDAES 98, Ye Ken, with a picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrew's Cross, shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver. If you have a copy of WINDAES 98, you will need to know the following:
Recycle Bin is called "The Bucket."
My Computer is called "Yon Computer Thingie."
Dialup Networking is called "Phone the Bhoys."
Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard."
Settings are called "sittins."
Programs are described as "stuff whit daes stuff."
Documents are termed "stuff whit I hive done afore."
Hard Drive is referred to as "the Tractor."
Floppies are referred to as "yon wee plastic dusc things."
In addition, you will find some commands in WINDAES 98 have been slightly altered:
OK = "'ats fine"
Cancel = "na na ma loon"
Reset = "Och ye'd be as weel startin agin"
Yes = "Och aye"
No = "nae chunce mon"
Find = "if ye'd bothered to pit it past in a safe place, ye widnae need to be lookin' for it noo, noo wid ye?"
Go to = "go'n ower 'ere"
Back = "back the wye"
Help = "geese a haun'"
Stop = "packit in"
Start = "com on 'en"
Some features exclusive tae WINDAES 98:
Pincil an paper.....A word processor
Colourin book.......A Graphics program
Addin machine.......Calculator
Andrex..............Notepad
Jukebox.............CD player
Photies.............A graphics viewer
Massey..............Tractor dealers listed by Post Code (Scotland only)
Car.................See previous entry
Tax Records.........usually an empty file
Other features: WINDAES 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
We regret any inconvenience caused if you received a copy of the Scottish edition. Please return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. (Originally posted to alt.fairs.renaissance by Anne Frates , aka "Queen Maggie").
Trouble Wi' The Neighbors
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."
Quick Thinking
A Scotsman and an Englishman were leaning against the counter in a store when a bandit walked in and brandished his gun.
The Scot, a quick thinker, hauled out his money and handed it to his English friend. He said, Here's the ten dollars you lent me." (Originally posted to alt.humor by Nancy Carson).
Sales Rep
A sales rep's car breaks down in the Scottish highlands. He sees a farmer and asks him where he can find a mechanic. "Och none of them aroond here laddie," says the farmer, "We're all McDonalds." (Originally posted to alt.humor by Mike Avery).
The Kilted Scotsman
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Now, he must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I donna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!" (Several versions of this joke are currently floating around the Net -- and the Rogues of Scotland even sing a song based on it at faire!).
Bagpipes
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. (Originally posted to alt.humor by Michael Brun).
Three Scotswomen
Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."
The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."
The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!" (Originally posted to alt.humor by Marcel Hendrix).
Under The Kilt
Girl to man in kilt: "Is anything worn under the kilt?"
Man to girl: "No, it's all in perfect working order!"(Originally posted to alt.humor by Marcel Hendrix).
Mad Macs?
EDINBURGH (DWPI) -- Following a wave of Scottish nationalism sparked by the movie "Braveheart", Scotland has overwhelmingly decided to form its own parliament separate from that in London. The new parliament's first act was to declare actor Mel Gibson their new King. A parliamentary spokesman, Lord Theodore MacNugent, is quoted as saying, "The prospects in the current royal family don't look too good and let's face it, Mel looks damn good in a kilt!" (Reported by Gene Markins-Dieden, originally posted to alt.humor).
MacBeth the Scot
(Sung to the tune of "Mack the Knife")
Oh the Black Knight/has a longsword
And he keeps it/gleaming bright
Just a dagger/has old MacBeth, Dear
But he keeps it/out of sight!
When the Black Knight/strikes with his longsword
Billows of scarlet/start to spread
Fancy gloves wears/old MacBeth, Dear
So there's never/never a trace of red!
In the castle/in the guestroom
Lies a body/oozing light
Someone sneaking/'round the corner
Could that someone/be MacBeth the Scot?
Jenny Diver/Suzie Tawdry
Miss Lottalynnia/old Lucy Brown
Oh that line forms/on the right, Babe
Now that MacBeth/he's back in town!
(Big Finale)
Oh that line forms/on the right, Babe
Now that MacBeth/he's back in town!
(Spoken)
Look out! Old Macky's BACK!!!
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This page created 27 December 1999
This page updated 3 January 2000
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